Dear Ebert & Roeper
August 25, 2005
Please give the Bush Republicans two big thumbs DOWN!
“It’s all gratuitous violence and no plot.” How many times have we heard Roger Ebert say that? “Sure, the special effects are awesome but all those explosions are just a poor attempt to cover up the fact that the screenwriting is pathetic, the plot is a disaster, the acting is terrible and the concept was stolen off some 1950s B-movie that bombed at the box office the first time around.”
Roger could very well be describing America under the Bush Republicans. “If you are going to go to all the expense of making a movie, why not make one that is well-written and well-thought-out.” Bush-Cheney movies are starting to get a really bad reputation in the film industry. “Instead of having good ideas and snappy dialog, whenever the plot is weak, they just blow something up.”
Then I bet that Richard Roeper would get that pained expression on his face as well. “Roger, I have to agree with you there. This stinker will DEFINITELY be on my top ten worst-movies-of-all-time list.”
Picture it this way. Imagine that America is like a major motion picture studio that has been taken over by a bunch of bozos in suits who have never made a movie before. At first the studio’s vast resources and good reputation could absorb the cost of making box office flop after box office flop — but after FIVE WHOLE YEARS of producing such loser flicks as “The Dukes of Election Fraud” and “Deuce Dubya, Iraq War Gigolo” and “The Economy Crashers,” even Studio America is gonna be in trouble.
To paraphrase Ebert and Roeper (and Gene Siskel too, somewhere up there in Movie Heaven!), “Two thumbs WAY down.”
America needs to dump those no-talent Bush Republicans in Washington and start using our studio clout to make movies that really matter — classic films that will move us to the core and make us better people for having watched them; movies with good screenwriting, good acting and even HAPPY ENDINGS.
At the end of all the Bush Brothers movies, everyone always dies.
PS: Bush Republican movie “plots” appear to be too complex for the average American movie-goer to grasp — so here’s a quick formula to help guide you through their seeming complexities: Bush Republican movies are NOT about defending America and protecting us from terrorists while our children sleep at night in their beds. Every single one of the endless movies they produce always has the same simple plot line. “A daring scheme to transfer all of OUR money into Bush Republican tax-free offshore bank accounts.”
Just remember the plot from “Ocean’s 11″ and you pretty much have the picture. From our vaults to their vaults. It’s as simple as that.
Jane Stillwater is a regular columnist for Novakeo.com
She can be reached at
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