Madam Jane predicts: It’s every man for himself!

“Madam Jane,” I asked my favorite fortune-teller yesterday, “what does the future hold for us? I mean, really. The seas are rising, billions of people seem to be dying of starvation, most of our tax dollars go toward keeping bankers in caviar and buying enough weapons to blow up our entire solar system — and most Americans are missing the Big Picture entirely and going around with their heads in the sand when they should be out taking action. The future looks grim. I’m all confused. What should I be doing to make the future look better?”

Madam Jane just sighed and looked disgusted. “What are you asking me for? I got problems of my own. Go ask Harry Potter.”

So. It looks like I’m not going to get any help from Madam Jane this time around. I’m going to be in this mess all on my own. “It’s every man for himself now,” snarled Madam Jane. “Go find your own freaking lifeboat. Get out of mine.”

Madam Jane seems to be having a bad day.

Still and all, I hate being on my own. I hate not knowing what the future will hold.

“Oh, okay, just stop whining. I’ll give you a few hints — but just this once,” said MJ. Then she took out her cards. “The future…. Hmmm…. When you think about the future, there is really only one thing to think about: Babies, children, the next generation. Do whatever you can to keep babies safe.”

Oh crap. As much as I dearly love babies in the abstract, in reality they are a whole bunch of work. They keep trying to mess up my computer. They hit the delete button by accident, don’t keep quiet while I think and spit up on the keyboard.

But Madam Jane continued on despite my grumblings. “You educate them, you be kind to them, you make sure that every single baby in this world is wanted, nurtured, protected and loved. That’s mankind’s most important task. That’s mankind’s only hope. Madam Jane has spoken.”

Does this mean that I’m going to have to go off to the Pentagon and explain to the Generals that if they really want to make America safe, they gotta give up spending trillions of dollars on Star War missiles, pre-imptive strikes, torture and fomenting military take-overs in Honduras — and start learning how to change diapers instead? Yeah right.

Have I got to go to Congress and teach all our Representatives about the “Five S” method? Apparently so. “Senators! When a newborn is crying from colic, you gotta activate its Calming Reflex by performing five actions — swaddle the baby, turn it sideways, swing it, shhh it in imitation of its mother’s heartbeat, and give it something to suck on.” Do I gotta send every legislator in America a copy of “The Happiest Baby on the Block”? I’m an expert on this “Five S” method. You got a colicky baby? Call me! I’ll have it quietly smiling in under two minutes. I got skills.

But I digress.

Instead of giving Israeli neo-cons seven million dollars a DAY to spend on weapons, give them seven million dollars a day to spend on Palestinian schools, colleges and universities. And do the same in Baghdad and AfPak. And then spend seven million dollars a day on educating California’s children too. Why not.

Hey, Madam Jane! You might actually be onto something here.

****

Here’s an essay I wrote yesterday that got me thrown off the Daily Kos for being anti-semitic. I also got over 200 comments from Kos readers saying that I was bigoted, Jew-hating and worse. I felt terrible! I didn’t MEAN to be anti-semitic! I was just pissed off that so much of American taxpayers’ money is being spent on wars and guns and the military and, yes, even on housing in foreign countries — instead of helping us working-class Americans out here at home.

In any case, here’s the dread post that got me thrown off of the Daily Kos:

New foreclosure remedy: Become Jewish & move to Israel!

Lately I’ve been hearing a whole bunch of horror stories about American families who’ve been forced to go through foreclosure and stand helplessly by as their homes were repossessed and their posessions thrown out on the streets by the banks. According to USA Today, “Foreclosure filings surpassed 3 million in 2008.” Watching this happen is like watching the grim 1930s dust bowl foreclosures happen all over again. As Woodie Guthrie once said, “Some will rob you with a six-gun, and some with a fountain pen.”

But not to worry. Help is on the way.

In these hard times of trouble, our government is spending billions of dollars on financial programs and bailouts designed to strengthen our banks. And our government is also spending billions of dollars on manufacturing weapons far above and beyond even Dr. Strangelove’s wildest defense needs. But does our government spend billions of dollars on programs that will also help out the approximately six million ordinary salt-of-the-earth Americans who have lost their homes in the last three years?

Yes!

Our American government is currently financing and maintaining a fabulous all-comprehensive housing program that can provide you with modern newly-constructed state-of-the-art housing at either subsidized prices — or free! And talk about location location location. This wonderful model housing program isn’t located in undesirable places like the grungy old Boston inner city or shabby run-down parts of L.A. And, unlike those tacky bankrupt schools in California and Mississippi, this place has outstanding schools too. And its healthcare services, shopping centers and freeways are also top-of-the-line.

These fabulous new housing programs are located in a place that is sunny, modern, upscale and family-friendly — Israel!

According to USA Today, “Nefesh B’Nefesh, a non-profit organization, provides grants of $3,000 to $10,000 as an incentive for Jews to move [to Israel]. Nefesh B’Nefesh, which means ‘Soul to Soul,’ also helps arrange housing, jobs and schools for immigrants’ children.”

“But what do I have to do to be eligible for all this wonderful subsidized housing?” you might ask. That’s easy. Just become Jewish. And apply. It’s your birthright. You’re in!

“But America doesn’t actually pay for any housing programs there, do they?” you might ask. No, not exactly. But they do give Israeli neo-cons seven million dollars per DAY to spend on weapons. Do I think that all that money goes into just “defending” Israel from a few skraggly Palestinians? Maybe. We may never know. But it sounds like a scam to me.

“But if America is financing — directly or indirectly — a housing program that is available to only one religious group, isn’t that against our Constitution and civil rights? Doesn’t this program have to be available to ALL Americans to be legal? And doesn’t it go against the separation of church and state?” Nah. Not a problem. No churches are involved.

“But I heard that it was hard to convert to Judaism and that it takes years of study and that you’ve got to learn Hebrew and get circumcised…” Surprisingly, that’s not an obstacle either.

I recently talked with a visiting Israeli citizen and asked him just exactly what kind of bureaucratic hoops an American who had just been foreclosed upon would have to jump through in order to prove he or she was Jewish so that he or she could take advantage of all this free American-subsidized housing in Israel.

“You don’t need to do anything,” the visiting Israeli replied. “There are Russians and Ethiopians and indigenous peoples from the remote Andes of Peru who have been accepted into this program — people who are no more Jewish than, say, Madonna or Brad Pitt. All they had to do was to SAY that they’re Jewish. That alone got them in — with full access to assisted housing, pre-arranged employment opportunities and even free single-payer healthcare! They got the whole schmear. And so will you.”

I was shocked.

Apparently Israel is no longer just a safe haven for European Jews who survived the camps like it used to be. Sadly, most of that whole generation is pretty much gone. The new face of Israel is different. Israel is now home for Russian mafia oligarch wannabees who couldn’t make it in Moscow or poor Ethiopians and Peruvians just trying to get a leg up — but who aren’t even Jewish. Apparently, according to my Israeli friend, all you gotta do to be eligible to live in Israel with beau-coup benefits is to be able to produce a yarmulke and some bobby-pins and you’re in! And American taxpayers will support you for the rest of your life.

Does anybody but me find that weird?

PS: Apparently I’m not the only American concerned about about out-of-control foreclosure issues who has thought of this solution. In an article entitled, “Thousands of Jews to immigrate to Israel this summer,” Israel News states that, “The Jewish Agency is expecting an increase of about 15% in the number of immigrants to Israel in 2009 in comparison with last year.” And if Washington keeps funding all those high-rise condos in East Jerusalem and the West Bank instead of funding badly-needed new housing back in the USA — Katrina victims are STILL living in FEMA trailers for instance — then hundreds of thousands more Americans will also be immigrating soon.

If you build it, they will come.