Iran vs. KFC: Chickening out in Tehran and Yazd

In a pissing contest between the United States and Iran, it’s hard to tell who would win.  Of course America is bigger and has more nuclear weapons, but Iran is more self-sufficient due to its broader manufacturing base.  

Americans used to be much more free than Iranians — but times may have changed.  When you consider the recent FBI raids in Minneapolis, Congressional renewal of that slimy PATRIOT Act, waterboarding’s sudden wide popularity, our suspended habeas corpus protections, wholesale election giveaways to Citizens United and Diebold, AT&T wiretapping, executive privileges to detain and assassinate U.S. citizens, Arizona’s recent driving-while-Mexican laws and all those happy crotch-gropers at TSA, our country seems to be trying just as hard as it can to catch up with the hardliners in Tehran.

Yet despite the fact that hard-line mullahs are basically running the show in Iran right now, it is still one of the most democratic countries in the Middle East when you compare Iran with a majority of other countries in that region that are currently run by or have been run in the past by the many tyrannical losers that America has happily hand-picked and financed over the last 60 years.  Then suddenly Iran doesn’t look so bad.

America has poured billions of our good taxpayer dollars into supporting all kinds of tyrants and dictatorships in the Middle East, including (but not limited to) Saddam Hussein, the decadent House of Saud, Hamid Karzai’s brother who is the top heroin supplier in the world, that famous CIA tool Osama bin Ladin, the notorious former Shah of Iran, those Kuwaiti losers who sucked us into the Gulf War, Washington’s current BFF in Egypt, good old Ariel Sharon aka the Butcher of Shatila, that American-owned punk who was just thrown out of Tunisia — and I forget who all else. (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/africa/the-brutal-truth-about-tunisia-2186287.html)

If you compare the natural resources of Iran with those of America, the U.S. certainly does have lots of oil — but then Iran has lots of oil too.  We also have lots of farmland, but then so does northern Iran.  Our national parks are awesome, but Iran’s historical architectural sites are also superb.

Gasoline in Iran now costs $2.80 per gallon, due to a recent 400% increase.  But gas at my local gas station costs $3.50 per gallon, so Iran has the slight edge there.  Profits from oil revenue in Iran appear to be going toward upgrading of the Iranian economy, infrastructure, military and social services.  American gas companies’ profits, on the other hand, appear to be going toward buying new Beemers and Porsches for their CEOs.

Financially speaking, the U.S. banks on its dollars — while Iran uses euros.  But which currency is stronger?  It’s hard to tell.  However, with gold now selling at an unbelievable $1,367 an ounce and both the U.S. and the E.U. having economic problems these days, I think that almost everyone is losing that particular race — even China.

Iran is a flat-out theocracy now — but according to Bush, Beck and Boehner, America is a theocracy-wannabe in the making, a “theocracy” ruled by corporations.  Not Jesus. 

Currently, Iran is ruled by Islamic ayatollahs and America is ruled by corporations.  Let’s compare.  In Islam, people fast for one month a year in order to learn compassion for those who have less than they do.  In addition, good Muslims are required to give a portion of their income to charity.  Under these house rules, there is a fair chance that the ayatollahs of Iran will be motivated by their religion to help those they rule — thus there is always a chance for redemption.

However, the corporations that now rule America have proven again and again that they are motivated solely by greed.  And while everyone in America seems to be complaining about Big Government these days, the truth is that “government” — big or small — no longer rules America.  Corporations do.  There’s been a bloodless revolution in our country.  America is now ruled by K Street.

Corporations now own America on every level — and we Americans stood passively by and allowed this disaster to happen.  America’s government no longer serves us.  America’s government now serves them.  There’s been a bloodless coup here in America and now it appears that we are ruled solely by greed — and greed has no chance for redemption.

Here’s another comparison between Iran and America:  If asked the question, “Does the Iranian government systematically lie to its citizens?” I would probably have to say yes.  But compared to the vast amount of lying to its citizens that goes on in America today — as revealed recently by Wikileaks — who knows which country would come out the winner here?  The American government, however, appears to have gained the winning edge in this contest.

One in four Iranians don’t have healthcare coverage.  One in six Americans don’t have healthcare coverage.  America is only slightly ahead here.

But there is one area where America has clearly beaten Iran hands down.  No contest here at all!  America is far better at cooking chicken.  Even KFC chicken is better than most of the chicken I ate in Iran — and I have evidence to prove it.

When I toured Iran two years ago, almost everywhere I went, I got served dry, over-cooked chicken.  America wins the chicken-cooking Olympics hands down!

Iran may occasionally use an iron fist on dissenters who disagree with its presidential election results — whereas America still uses its velvet glove.  Iran may have much of the European oil market sewed up, a much broader manufacturing base and apparently-strong alliances with Russia and China, but America has won out over Iran hands down when it comes to cooking chicken!