2011 Full of Flash Marriages, Digital Underwear and Kim Kardashian
January 8, 2012
A quick look backwards into 2011 reveals U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner photographing himself in his underwear and parading his buff body on the Internet for all to see. There was one problem besides insanity—he was married.
Known for putting golf balls into the hole with amazing ease, professional magic man Tiger Woods found himself enjoying multiple passion fests more than was morally acceptable over the past decade. In retaliation, his wife left him with a $300 million hole in his bank account and two kids to raise on his own. He vowed to bring them up to represent the best in ethical behavior and the American sporting way of life.
Did anyone notice the buxom seamstress Kim Kardashian, known for her alluring beauty just below her chin, married the Jolly Green Giant basketball player, only to divorce him after 72 days of blissful matrimony? It splashed all over “People” , “US” and “National Enquirer” where people with enquiring minds want to know the truth. If the “truth” be told, only the page numbers carry any realistic “truth” in all those magazines. Kim became the #1 name on the personality search on Google for 2011. She headed “Entertainment Tonight” as America’s favorite poster girl. She displaced stalwart Brittany Spears for the first time in 13 meaningful years and millions of vacant-minded fans.
Desperate to mimic her success, Anthony Weiner denied trying to succeed as the new Arnold Schwarzenegger with buff pectorals. Of course “The Arnold” headed up the headlines with his love child from a house maid over 13 years ago. Somehow, through romantic qualities, he fooled his wife and four kids pretending to be a moral and upstanding governor of California—the ultimate state of fruits and nuts.
Last year may have been remarkable in that Michael Jackson, known pedophile and remarkable “father” of three Caucasian children—checked out of life by injecting endless drugs into his body. He may have wanted to sleep for a night, but his personal physician Doctor Murray gave him eternal slumber in Never, Never Land. No matter how rich you may become, happiness is only guaranteed to Santa Claus.
As “Desperate House Wives” clamored for top billing, “All My Children” or was it “Days of Our Lives” went the way of the DoDo bird? As the Walton’s might say as the lights dimmed, “Good night everybody.” If anyone watched or watches all those meaningless soap operas, they may be part of the vital statistic showing that the average American in his or her lifetime watches television for a mind-numbing 15 years in eight hour segments.
Jane Fonda got on Anderson Cooper to show Americans how to get fit. While her svelte dancers danced on the stage, the audience attendees giggled in their seats. Dr. Oz featured cheering weight-challenged women in his audience who smiled and cheered for good health but returned home to bon-bons and steaming hot Domino’s pizza. They also ordered a round of Big Gulp Coca Cola served in 99 ounce plastic cups. To finish off their lessons from Dr. Oz, they dove into buckets of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
Ironically, “The Doctors” implored, beseeched and pleaded their nationwide audiences to lose weight for healthy lives. Unfortunately, 7 out of 10 Americans prefer obesity as the new normal. Not to worry; a pill or injection will solve everything.
While cereal makers put Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps on a box of Wheaties four years ago, General Mills took him off the box after a shot of him inhaling a bong shot of happy smoke. When asked whether or not he was smoking drugs, Phelps replied, “It depends on what your meaning of is, is.” You see, he took after a former U.S. president’s guiding wisdom.
Somewhere in the middle of the year, the preacher Harold Camping predicted that the world would end. When his ominous bequeathing failed to materialize, he called on Brittany Spears to get married again. Surely that would stop the “end times” from happening. Where was Liz Taylor when we needed her for a role model?
Low and behold, “The Jerry Springer Show” will launch a new kind of TV drama: guests must carry a Ph.D. in order to be interviewed on the show. All the women will be beautiful and their children above average in intelligence. The “Make-over” is predicted to fail. Americans prefer stupid over intelligent. Go get ‘em Maury Povich!
In “Dancing with the Stars,” Chastity Bono, daughter of legendary singer Cher, now goes by Chaz , a transgender male. Chaz said, “I am so happy to have danced here tonight and showed America a “new” kind of man.” At 271 pounds on a 5’6” frame with none of the male components, we enter a Brave New America.
Finally, for all those Americans stuck in gridlocked traffic, pray for Kim Kardashian’s next marriage choice. Maybe some lucky man, stuck in traffic, can email a shot of himself in his underpants and she will fly to him via the Internet for a comical visit. Or was that conjugal?
America the whacky, weird and wild! You gotta love it because it’s the only country left where everyone can pursue their own form of insanity.
As Andy Rooney said during his last broadcast on “60 Minutes”, “It ain’t over till it’s over or is it? I think I saw Elvis Presley walk into the CBS studios to perform another rendition of Jailhouse Rock.”